Ze cliche
by Elisha Silverpine
Summary: My satirical take on how to write a typical CID fanfiction. Not targeting anyone, if you don't like it, you may leave.


**With apologies to the following writers: Poesiariptide, iAndromeda, Originals143, Topaz007, TheTrendSetter, StoriesbyAbby, Blindredeyes, AreejSachinlover, Credencefort, Blair, CIDans, GeetShreyaholic, Anushka Diya and many more writers. This is not meant to be taken seriously much and I most definitely am not targeting any writer in particular or abusing anyone particularly.**

 **Read on!**

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Hello fellow writers!

I'm pretty sure if you are reading this then there can be three reasons:

You are a fellow author who likes my writing (or just a fellow author);

You are just a reader;

Obviously you are one of the populars (AKA popular kids who constantly poke fun of me for writing, being different from you guys-don't give me that look Adithya Ashok and Niharika Sunil-, yadda, yadda, yadda.) who are reading my stories just to make fun of me again.

Well, whoever you are, hi there! My name is Elisha Silverpine and here, I will take you through the process of writing a typical CID Fanfiction story.

Yes, aspiring authors, it is time someone told you of this! If you wish to write like all others, here are the key elements of a typical Fanfiction. I've categorized it into different groups so that it's much more easier for you lot to comprehend:

 **THEMES**

Ah, the theme. We'll start with that.

A typical fanfic should have Romance as the main theme. Other story themes can be there, but it shouldn't be of much importance! Theen important themes hona chahiye: romance, Romance aur ROMANCE.

And the romance must be the giggly, Ishq and Mohabbat wala love. Love at first sight can happen. The female lead must be blushing at _all times_. Usage of very cheesy dialogue must be there.

And a lot of drama should be added. The kind of drama that is suited best for the story is the saas bahu ones, where the guy and the girl must fight over the most mundane topics to ever exist on the earth. The girl must be seen sobbing, whimpering, looking as though she is thoroughly constipated-oh sorry, in pain due to heartbreak for majority of the story. (I don't think I'll need to comment on how the story ends here. :P)

 **SUMMARY AND TITLE**

First start with the title.

Title? Just put anything you want for a title. Popular titles like, 'bezubaan', 'teri galliyan', 'samjhawaan'…they work for romance stories, if you don't want to spend too much time thinking and screwing your brains to find a really unique title. (The titles are okay for most of the stories which I have seen by the way.)

Summary? Easy peasy! Typical stories use these summaries (much to my horror, even I had used a similar manner of writing for the summary of my story _Soulmates_. Forgive me, I was jobless at that time):

"It's a story on (enter couple name), (enter another couple name) and (just put the couple name already)…read on to find out…"

"Another OS on (enter couple name)…nthing else to say!..."

"Contains (enter couple name) and (enter couple name)…"

Need I say anything else now?

 **CHARACTERS**

Usage of characters? Use any you want! Just make sure these characters are the important ones: Daya, Abhijeet, Dr. Tarika and Shreya.

Oh yes. In the story, the eternal friendship of Daya and Abhijeet must exist at all times. All other friendships are mere shadows in the presence of this friendship. Worship them!

And for couples? Use Abhirika and Dareya! Abhijeet must be paired with Tarika at _all times_! Other ships like Rockstar must be tossed down the drain! Or better still, Don't pair Tarika with anyone at all! Mr. Oh-so-perfect Abhijeet is the epitome of perfection, so perfect that any attempt at showing him as a character with both positive and negative traits must be squashed!

As for character meetings…if a guy and girl meet each other for the first time, then both must fall for each other at first sight. Girl must excessively blush and stutter while the guy must continuously marvel and extoll on the beauty of the girl…blah, blah, blah.

 **GRAMMAR, SPELLINGS AND PUNCTUATION**

Grammar? Spellings? Punctuation? Like seriously, who needs them?

Always write in text speak. Lyke seriusley, ths is vry imprtent. Speelings don't mattr at al. Noone is intrestd in spellling an gremmer so u be carfulll…

NO PUNCTUATION! Write sentences without using comma, apostrophe, full stops and double inverted comma marks ninety nine percent of the time. That is sure to make sense! *your author gags at this sentence as she is vehemently reminded of her arch nemesis at school*

BTW, use acronyms everywhere! "R u know", "hurted" (and this one made your author want to jump off a cliff, screaming her brains out: "kissed her…for her lips…") and such other bizzare spellings and horrifically incorrect grammatical sentences are perfectly acceptable in these stories.

Ellipses! For those of who, who don't know what they are, ellipses are these three dots, '…'. To get to the point, use them EVERYWHERE! Here, there…like…see how I'm writing…this is how…one should use ellipses…sometimes…use ellipses…like thisss…

*your author now takes the opportune moment to start banging her head with the monstrosity that is known as a science text book from frustration*

 **PLOT**

Plot? Err…come again? What plot?

Why does the story need a plot? It just needs drama! Lots and lots of drama! The saas bahu drama works just fine! Here's how it goes:

 _Important Scene 1:_

Introducing hero and heroine (for convenience sake I shall take poor Kavin and Purvi. I am sorry, my brave officers!);

Declarations of love from both sides, usually with a cheesy romantic Bollywood song as background music;

Introducing conniving and scheming villainess (we all know it is the woman that is more cunning and evil who is the only one to possess the power of thinking up such overdramatic-sorry, _evil_ schemes) who is obviously out to get Kavin and to lure him over to the dark side (to make him love her);

She (for convenience sake again, let's call her Grace) introduces herself to Kavin. A couple of sentences and fifty ellipses later, Purvi discovers Kavin and Grace animatedly chatting and so the point of view shifts to her, where we discover that she is _furious_ at her lover for even daring to chat with another girl, just for the sake of friendship. About another fifty ellipses later, Purvi and Kavin exit, Purvi fuming and Kavin remaining oblivious to the drama he's just created.

Kavi fight; Purvi confronts Kavin over the atrocious act he's committed by daring to be _friends_ with a girl! Shocking! Kavin then reassures her that Purvi is the only one for him and what not, and soon it escalates into a full on make out session;

And _that_ , my dear friends, was just the tip of the ice berg.

 **SENSITIVE TOPICS**

Guys, this part is serious.

We Indians apparently cannot deal with usage of the word 'S**' in our stories. All words that deal with lemon fics (Fanfiction which are rated m) are either to be censored or not to be used in any story at all.

 **ACTUALLY WRITING THE STORY**

There. We've gotten to the climax: Writing down the story.

The format of the story must be in script mode. That's the simplest manner of writing a story! No need to overly describe the different expressions on the speaker's face! After all, the reader has imagination, right? Let them stop being so lazy and use their bulging brains!

Use ellipses, ellipses, ellipses…oh, and did I mention ellipses?

No need for any question marks at the end of questions! Writing questions without them is perfectly acceptable. Samjha, mere doston…

Txt spek! Remambr, txt spking is vry imp fr thes stories! And dnt wory abt spellling! Evryon wil luv ur stry regrdles of ur spelings…If its abt glorios Abhirika or Mr. Perfection (*cough* Abhijeet *cough*) then majority of the fandom will luv ur stry at all costs…

And drama. Don't forget it. The story cannot survive without that important element! The TV soaps are good inspiration for this!

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And now I'm done.

After reading this, majority of the authors will be thinking something along the lines of:

"How dare she!"

"Why is she bashing my writing?"

"You hurted me…how mean!"

"I most definitely believe she is abusing me verbally!"

Well fellow authors and readers…oh wait! I'm not done yet! There is one golden rule you must follow while writing these stories:

 _ **UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO FOLLOW THESE GUIDELINES WHILE WRITING THE STORY! DO THE *OPPOSITE* OF WHATEVER THE HECK I HAVE WRITTEN HERE AND YOUR STORY WILL BE SAVED!**_

Okay, now I'm done.

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 **And now, before people start bashing me:**

 _ **I do not and have not under any circumstance targeted any one writer.**_ **This is a satire on writing a CID story as many stories which I read were without plot, in text speak and generally frustrating to read for me. If Poesiariptide, iAndromeda, Originals143, Topaz007, TheTrendSetter, StoriesbyAbby, Blindredeyes, AreejSachinlover, Credencefort, Blair, CIDans, GeetShreyaholic and Anushka Diya are reading this, then listen. If I have hurt your feelings in any way, then I am really and deeply sorry for committing a horrible act like that. Your stories are amazhang (and no, this is not a typo, any Percy Jackson fan who's read the Heroes of Olympus series will get it) and I really wish I could write like you guys. Other authors…sorry for hurting your feelings.**

 **Don't let me get started on Abhijeet and Abhirika. I firmly admit without shame that Abhirika is my OTP and I like Abhijeet, but that does not mean I will react negatively if Tarika is shipped with someone else or if Abhijeet is shown in a bad light! Honestly, yeh tho had ho gaya. Abhijeet is not a god, to be super perfect! He is brilliant as an** _ **officer**_ **. As a friend…well, I'd rather hang out with Freddy than Abhijeet! And as for the Tarika haters…the hell? That, my dearies, is one hell of a brilliant forensic doctor! Why all the hate? Give me one legit reason as to why Tarika is supposedly a horrible character. I dare you.**

 **So once again I state this;** _ **I solemnly swear I do not and have not under any circumstance targeted any one writer.**_ **Even after this, if someone sends me flames; then I'll do this: Me taking flames. Me using flames to make chapatti and Paneer Butter Masala. Me happily eating food. Me cleaning utensils. Me throwing utensils at bashers. Bashers running away. Me living happily ever after. :D**


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